Day 114: Permission to Retreat

permission to retreat

Several times over the past month, I’ve come here with the intention to write – to share where I am on this journey of silence. And each time, the words didn’t come. Each time, I felt the need to hold close to my heart all of the shifts that I’ve been experiencing deep within – feeling that it was too soon to set them free into the world.

This keeping things to myself is somewhat new for me. For years, I’ve pretty much been an open book online, and I pretty much share wherever I am and however I am feeling. But one of the many things that I’m learning within the silence is that it’s okay to allow some insights to incubate a bit inside my heart so that I can better understand them before sharing them. I’ve never done something this drastic before – a year of silence is definitely new for me, and I have all sorts of emotions, ideas, inspirations, and revelations rising to the surface. It feels like a new me in many ways is being born, and I want to sit with this person for a bit and get to know her before introducing her to the world.

My mom recently planted grass seeds in her front yard. And they need a lot of extra care in these first few months to make sure they grow. She put straw over them and kept the soil moist in order to give them the best chance possible of sprouting. The first few weeks were a fragile time for these seeds, especially in the New Mexican desert where growing things isn’t always an easy task. After many weeks of not seeing any progress but still tending to them and believing that they would grow, she just now is seeing them begin to break through the dirt.

I feel a lot like these fragile seeds right now. There’s so much shifting inside of me, and it feels like I’m needing to offer more care and protection to myself than I usually would need. I can sense that I’m just about to experience my own breakthrough where I, too, can face the sun and blossom. But for now, I’m in this incubating period where the roots haven’t yet grounded themselves to the earth.

Once I am back on solid ground again, I’ll be back to share more of this journey. For now, I will just say that I’m settling into it, and there are moments where I truly feel like I have come home. There are moments where I look at myself in the mirror and truly see my soul staring back. There are moments where my senses are heightened and my awareness is elevated. And there are also moments where I’m confused and uncertain and afraid and question it all. It’s a mix of night and day – darkness and light. And I’m in the midst of all of it – tending the seeds and looking forward to the breakthrough that I feel is on the way.

Hugs and love,

jodi signature copy

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