Day 174: A Loving Gift

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Wow. I’m just a few days from being halfway through this silence experiment.

To be completely honest, when it began I saw it almost as a cross that I needed to bear. I had likened it to a punishment that I had to endure after years of not listening to my soul. This was my atonement – how I would once and for all clear any karmic debt between the two of us and get back in my soul’s good graces again. So I reluctantly accepted my fate much like a bratty child who was being chastised would: with my metaphorical arms crossed over my chest – firmly planted in my “I’m going to do this because I said I would, but I’m certainly not going to like it” stance. I was prepared to go through the motions and just get it over with already, but I certainly wasn’t going to enjoy it.

And now, after just six months, I (thankfully) see this entire experiment as something completely different. I am no longer kicking and screaming my way through it. I am no longer longing for it to end. I am no longer angry at my soul for asking me to do this. I am no longer angry at myself for getting to a place where something so drastic was necessary. I no longer see this entire year as a punishment for bad past behaviors and habits. I now see all of it as the most beautiful gift that I’ve ever been given and that I’ve ever given myself.

This shift certainly didn’t happen overnight. It’s actually been quite a journey to get here. But there’s something about being silent for months on end that will take you underneath all of the bullshit that keeps you from connecting with your truth – all of the beliefs and doubts and barriers that you (for whatever reason) assigned utmost importance to will start to unravel and dissolve. And what you’re left with is the truth – your truth. You’re left looking at yourself in the mirror of your life with absolutely nothing standing between you and you. And you can choose to either keep your eyes closed and refuse to look within or open your eyes and discover what’s always been there waiting for you to see.

After squeezing them shut for a long, long time, this experiment has helped me to open my eyes again – to see the world through a lens that is aligned with my soul and aligned with the universe (rather than the scratched-up and cloudy lens that I had been looking through before). Anger and resistance are being replaced by love and openness. For the first time in a very long time, I am experiencing extended moments of peace and happiness. And for the first time in a very long time, I fully expect this shift to continue and expand as I continue to embrace silence, stillness, and my own truth.

The person who began this experiment and the person I am now are no longer the same. I have reached the point of no return where I can’t go back to how I was before. I have experienced too much. I have learned too much.

Looking back years from now, I know that I will see this experiment as the catalyst that led me home. I can feel myself getting closer to that destination each day. I feel myself feeling stronger in my own being and stronger in my place in this world. And I can feel that I’m only just beginning – that this will be a lifetime of discovery and growth, which feels so exciting to me.

So no, this wasn’t a punishment. It was a gift – a gift from my soul to me. I gift that I now lovingly accept with endless gratitude.

 

Hugs and love,

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