I woke up the other morning in a panic.
I realized that January was almost finished and I was already almost a month into this year of silence and I hadn’t learned enough yet or experienced enough or really fully integrated it all into my life or had time to process what slowing down truly means and now this month was over and the entire year would soon be over and what will I have learned by then because it’s all going by so fast already and I just wanted to slow it all down.
Whew. Deep breath, right?
And then I heard this message from my soul:
This level of panic is a perfect example of why this year of silence is so essential and crucial for you to continue.
Clearly I’m still working through some stuff. 🙂
But seriously. I felt a deep sadness about this year ending. I felt sad that already three weeks had passed. I felt sad thinking about going back to “real life” again. I felt sad and worried that I would be the same me with the same fast-moving thoughts at the end of the year that I have now. And I felt sad that all of this silence would be for nothing – that I wouldn’t learn anything or change in any way or feel any different at all.
This level of sadness, panic, pressure, worry, and fast-paced thinking is exactly why I’m participating in this year of silence. I want to be able to live in the present moment – to embrace it. I want to know with every part of my being that this is what matters – that this is the only thing that truly matters. I want to sleep through the night – peacefully. I don’t want to wake up in a moment of panic because of time that’s passed or not knowing what’s coming in the future.
I want to be free of time worries completely and simply be okay with exactly where I am. I know that I am doing this for a reason. I know that it matters. And I’m realizing that I have been searching for something that never needed to be found. I have been searching for the perfect moment rather than embracing the present moment.
And in my quest for the perfect moment, I have gotten myself tied up so tightly that I am in knots upon knots that simply need time and space to unravel – time and space to loosen and undo themselves. Because if I try to undo them, they just seem to get tighter. If I worry about them, they become all that I can focus on or think about.
I’m finally seeing that silence and stillness are the way through the knots. It’s not about thinking my way through them. Or problem solving my way through them. Or taking action to work through them. It’s simply about slowing down and loosening my grip over them and letting the power of silence do the rest.
My only job during this entire project (and beyond) is to be present in the present moment. That’s all. To let the past go and to set the future free. To simply be in the now. This is what matters. This is all that matters.
And hopefully, if and when panic swoops over me again, I’ll be able to remember this and breathe into it and know that everything in this moment is exactly how it should be. Always.
Hugs and love,