Day 27: The Perfect Moment

Present Moment

I woke up the other morning in a panic.

I realized that January was almost finished and I was already almost a month into this year of silence and I hadn’t learned enough yet or experienced enough or really fully integrated it all into my life or had time to process what slowing down truly means and now this month was over and the entire year would soon be over and what will I have learned by then because it’s all going by so fast already and I just wanted to slow it all down.

Whew. Deep breath, right?

And then I heard this message from my soul:

This level of panic is a perfect example of why this year of silence is so essential and crucial for you to continue.

Clearly I’m still working through some stuff. ūüôā

But seriously. I felt a deep sadness about this year ending. I felt¬†sad that already three weeks had passed. I felt sad thinking about going back to “real life” again. I felt sad and worried that I would be the same me with the same fast-moving thoughts at the end of the year that I have now. And I felt sad that all of this silence would be for nothing – that I wouldn’t learn anything or change in any way or feel any different at all.

This level of sadness, panic, pressure, worry, and fast-paced thinking is exactly why I’m participating in this year of silence.¬†I want to be able to live in the present moment – to embrace it. I want to know with every part of my being that this is what matters – that this is the only thing that truly matters. I want to sleep through the night – peacefully. I don’t want to wake up in a moment of panic because of time that’s passed or not knowing what’s coming in the future.

I want to be free of time worries completely and simply be okay with exactly where I am.¬†I know that I am doing this for a reason. I know that it matters. And I’m realizing that I have been searching for something that never needed to be found. I have been searching for the perfect moment rather than embracing the present moment.¬†

And in my quest for the perfect moment, I have gotten myself tied up so tightly that I am in knots upon knots that simply need time and space to unravel – time and space to loosen and undo themselves. Because if I try to undo them, they just seem to get tighter. If I worry about them, they become all that I can focus on or think about.

I’m finally seeing¬†that silence and stillness are the way through the knots.¬†It’s not about thinking my way through them. Or problem solving my way through them. Or taking action to work through them. It’s simply about slowing down and loosening my grip over them and letting the power of silence do the rest.

My only job during this entire project (and beyond) is to be present in the present moment. That’s all. To let the past go and to set the future free. To simply be in the now. This is what matters. This is all that matters.

And hopefully, if and when panic swoops over me again, I’ll be able to remember this and breathe into it and know that everything in this moment is exactly how it should be. Always.

Hugs and love,

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Day 23: Venturing into the World

silence card

I left the house for the first time the other day since my year of silence began. As I wrote before, I came down with the flu on January 1st, and it’s taken three weeks to feel well enough to venture out into the world. But I was feeling extremely stir crazy and definitely wanted a change of scene.

I was a bit nervous to leave my cocoon though. I wasn’t sure how being in the world and being silent would go together – would they be compatible? It’s pretty easy to be silent here at home. I am a writer, which is about as silent of a profession as one can have. And I run online communities, which allow me to be completely silent (vocally, at least). I have created a loving cocoon where things are pretty quiet and where everyone I interact with already knows about my year of silence. I wondered how it would be outside of this cocoon – in mainstream society. I was certainly apprehensive about finding out, but my need¬†to get out of the house was stronger than my anxiety¬†of what I would experience once I was left this inner sanctum.

Dan and I decided to go to some local stores and just look around. I love seeing what’s new and exploring and finding objects that speak to my soul. Even though we were going to be together during this first excursion, sometimes when we shop we split up to go look at different things and then meet back up. It’s fairly¬†common for someone to start up a conversation with me during these times when I’m alone. While I usually tend to keep to myself, oftentimes¬†someone will begin to chat. Sometimes they ask about a certain product that I’m¬†looking at or will mention the weather or will ask me to reach something or will start a conversation based on what product I’m looking at, etc. etc. I’m sure these are things that happen to everyone that most of us don’t give a second thought to. But, I was thinking about it and worrying about each of these scenarios – wondering how I would respond without being rude and while still being silent.

So I made up the cards that are pictured at the top of this post. I printed them out, cut them, and put a handful into my purse. I knew that if Dan was with me and someone started a conversation, he would be able to let them know why I wasn’t speaking. But I wanted to be able to let them know if I were alone, too. Just having them with me helped me feel more confident about going out. I’m not someone who likes to call attention to myself, and so the thought of standing out in this “weird” way was unsettling, but at least I knew that I had a backup plan just in case.

I also decided beforehand that it felt best for me to only give a card to someone who really wanted to start chatting. If a store greeter said “goodbye” while I walked out, I would say “goodbye,” too. If someone asked if I needed any help finding anything, I would say “no, thank you.” If I needed to try on some clothes, I would ask the attendant to help me. But I would still do everything that I could to avoid speaking because I wanted to honor this year of silence as best I could.

So, I had my cards in my purse, Dan by my side, and a plan at the ready just in case I was called to speak. And off we went into the world.

It was really such an interesting few hours.¬†I didn’t pull out any cards, but I did find myself working a bit harder to avoid coming into direct contact with people so I wouldn’t have to. I did end up thanking someone who helped us and excusing myself when I almost collided with someone. But other than that, I didn’t speak (except to Dan). It was both nice and a bit strange at the same time. I felt like I was somehow in on a secret that no one else was part of. It felt like I was getting away with something. And maybe I was – what, I’m still not sure.

Overall, it felt really good to be out in the world again. It felt good to know that this can be part of my year – that I can leave my safe space and still maintain my silence. I do know that I am feeling called to spend the majority of my time at home this year (and probably beyond). I love the quiet that I feel here and the sanctity of this sacred space. But I am happy to see that I can mix it up every now and then and get out into the world. I have my cards ready to hand out if I need to, and that feels empowering.

So look out, world – here I come. ūüôā

Hugs and love,

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I am currently writing a book about what I learned during my year of silence, and I would love to share it with you when it comes out! To sign up to be notified, please enter your name and email below and click on the Subscribe button. You'll also receive my guided meditation for free!

Day 19: Letting Go

Let Go

Oh, boy. This whole silence thing is definitely helping to shine light on my shadow self. I’m finding pieces that I knew were there but didn’t realize how tight of a grasp they held over me.

I knew that I had the need within me to want to control much of my life – this certainly wasn’t news to me. I would venture to say that most¬†entrepreneurs feel this way, which is why they take the leap and work for themselves.

In addition to not speaking much at all, a big part of my year of silence includes lightening my load – both physically and energetically.¬†As an empath, I can feel the energy of things. And if I’m surrounded by too many things, I can feel the weight of it all. Because of this, I love throwing things away or recycling them. It feels so good to clear my home out and feel the energy open up.

My soul has been asking me to lighten my energetic load even more since this year began, and so my husband and I have been going through everything that we own and are really getting clear about whether we want it. And if our first response is “yes” – we then ask why we want it and discern whether we’re holding onto it because of an attachment that no longer feels right for us but we would feel bad letting go of or if we want it because it matches who we currently are. Because that’s the thing: many things that we’ve brought into our home were perfect matches for our energy years ago. But we’ve grown and expanded since then, and so it makes perfect sense that not everything that we own will grow and expand with us.

So, we’ve been going room by room and deciding¬†what we want to keep. And we’re sorting anything that no longer feeds our soul¬†into categories: trash, recycle, and sell/donate. For the items that we’re selling, people have been calling to come take a look. I can’t answer the phone because I’m having a year of silence. And I had no idea how frustrating it would be for me to not be able to control this – to just pick up the phone when it rings and make the arrangements. I had no idea how out of my comfort zone I would feel to have to stand by while my husband sets it all up and then meets with them when they come over. How hard it is to not run and get the phone when my husband is unavailable. To have to wait for him to call them back – knowing that they are waiting for us to call and that I’m right there and could call if I weren’t having a year of silence.

It’s unbelievable how much this bothers me. On the one hand, I want to jump in and answer the phone and take control. And on the other hand, I’m glad that I don’t have to be the one to deal with all of this. And yet, there’s a¬†part of me that feels guilty for putting all of this responsibility onto my husband – while I simply go about my year of silence.¬†So, not only are my control buttons being pushed, but my guilt buttons are, too. I know that this is all within me. Thankfully, my sweetie is so supportive and is completely on board with my silence. And he is so great about making all of these arrangements and helping to lighten our load.

I’m seeing that all¬†of this frustration and angst really stems from my inability to let go – to truly surrender to this process. To realize that I can’t control everything. To let others help me and to be okay with it. To fully allow myself to receive this support – without feeling upset or uncomfortable or guilty. To simply take it in and know that everything is working out exactly how it’s meant to.

So, in knowing this and in taking a moment to sit with it, I’m allowing myself to take a deep breath. And then another. And I’m remembering that these shadow sides within me are teaching me so, so much. And if I wasn’t silent, I never would have been still enough to shine light on them. And where there is light, there can be no darkness. As I sit here writing this, I do have a sense of peace around all of this – knowing that these are pieces of me that are ready to see the light so that they can merge with it and come fully out of the shadows for good.

That feels good for me. And so I’ll continue staying open to what comes up next. While it’s not always comfortable to witness, it does feel better to move through it and to examine it from a mindful place.¬†That’s what silence is helping me gain: loving awareness. And that feels really good.

Hugs and love,

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I am currently writing a book about what I learned during my year of silence, and I would love to share it with you when it comes out! To sign up to be notified, please enter your name and email below and click on the Subscribe button. You'll also receive my guided meditation for free!

Day 15: A Soulful Smackdown

Choose to Love Myself

On January 1st, I started to feel sick. And a few days later, I had a full-blown cold that prevented me from talking above a whisper for over a week. I found this so interesting and such a perfectly imperfect way to begin this year of silence: literally not being able to speak.

The cold also forced me to slow down and be stiller than I had wanted to or planned to. And I was frustrated that it was holding me back from all that I needed to do. It seemed that the way I wanted to embrace this year of silence and the way my body/heart/soul wanted me to embrace it were at odds.

I had the “not talking to anyone other than my husband and mom” thing down. Because I’d been doing this since last August, it was something that I was already used to. I was still keeping in touch¬†with others through email and Facebook. I was still writing and sharing and posting and connecting and responding and engaging and creating – just not verbally.

I wasn’t¬†breaking the rules. I wasn’t speaking. But I was still “on.”

I knew that I wasn’t completely fulfilling my intention with this project. I wasn’t completely embracing the spirit of it. I was still running from it.

A calling from deep within my soul asked me to shape up and take it just a bit more seriously.¬†Okay, I’m translating this message through my brain/inner critic just a bit.

Here’s what my soul really said:

You’re doing a beautiful job of observing silence in every way that you are. And now, I wonder how it would feel to take it even deeper – to go to the next level of silence. I know that you have dipped your toes in and are ready for the next step: to begin to embrace energetic silence in addition to sonic silence.

It seems that you are still just as busy as ever, and I know that slowing down and being completely still may feel uncomfortable at first. But, I also know that this is where the magic truly lives, and I know that you are ready to embrace this magic.

I would love for you to step away from work more often throughout the day, turn off your computer, and simply allow yourself to BE. I would love for you to make time for YOU – in whatever way feels right in the moment that you are currently in. And I would love for you to really honor all that you’re doing (and have already done) to invite silence into your life and to strengthen your connection to all that is.

You’re doing a beautiful job, and I am so excited for you to see and fully experience where this journey will take you. Keep at it. Be easy with yourself. And enjoy each part of it.

A loving, soulful smackdown. Something that I truly needed.

And so, it’s time to regroup, recenter, and reassess. It’s time for me to allow myself to get back into the spirit of why I’m doing this and really give it a go from that loving space. It’s time to embrace silence – all of it. And to give myself permission to stop running from it and fully step into it. And I know that all change can feel uncomfortable at first, but it will feel amazing soon enough. I know that slowing down will be worth it, and I’m the only one who can put on the metaphorical brakes. Just me.

And that’s exactly what I intend to do.

Hugs and love,

jodi signature copy

Free Reconnecting with Your Soul Guided Meditation!
I am currently writing a book about what I learned during my year of silence, and I would love to share it with you when it comes out! To sign up to be notified, please enter your name and email below and click on the Subscribe button. You'll also receive my guided meditation for free!